Read about my experience creating my own zine!
My Experience with Anxiety by Sharlyn Monillas
What topic did you choose, and why? Why was this topic an appropriate fit for this publishing medium, in your opinion? You might want to think here about form, audience, barriers to access, and other specific characteristics of the publishing medium.
For my zine, I decided to focus on the topic of mental health. What started out as a random pasting of magazine cutouts eventually transformed into a visualization of my mental health journey. Since Hannah brought in magazines to class, I drew inspiration from this one section that talks about "My Experience with Anxiety as an Athlete". And since mental health and anxiety has been something that I had been struggling with lately, I decided that I would try to portray that in my zine. And I really liked the idea of showcasing my anxiety visually though scrapbooking, something that I don't often engage with enough. I often have a hard time describing my anxiety; so creating this zine took off the pressure of having to explain or write it out. And creating it through paper enabled me to curate colours and images that spoke to me which I feel like is a different experience from designing it digitally. I love that I got to showcase my journey through images and colours in a fun and creative way like scrapbooking. The fact that it is a physical copy rather than a digital one makes the zine a lot more personal, real, and evident. As I hold it in my hand, it feels like a way of me taking hold of my anxiety and learning how to control and manage it. And being able to visualize and create this zine was definitely one of the ways that I have been able to embrace my mental health and imperfections.
Describe a specific choice you made as a creator and explain why you made it.
I made the choice of designing each page with a colour scheme, which would represent the journey I've gone on with my anxiety and mental health. The first page consists of a red/pink colour scheme. Many would assume that this came from a place of love, yet it actually speaks to the in-genuine love that I experienced growing up. I grew up learning and thinking that certain aspects of my life came from a place of love; yet, those exact aspects and mindsets are what have hurt me. As I grew up, those mindsets embedded into my mind became red flags, which today are known as toxic/bad signs to look out for. The red colour scheme represents a sort of in-genuine love turning into red flags. The second page has a much darker tone which represents the anxiety and depression that I would feel at times. When I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety, my mind can get pretty dark and is often surrounded by these dark shadows and negative voices that bring me down. And even when I know I'm supposed to get help, my anxiety and depression tells me not to. Therefore, this page represents me at my rock bottom when all I see and feel is darkness and sadness. The last page has a green colour scheme, which I had always associated with peace. This represents the times in my life where I have coped with the anxiety and have become the person I am today. In the midst of darkness there is always light and in this page, I acknowledge the things that have brought me light whether it be my friends, my partner, my passions, and God. I wanted to end the zine on a positive note and bring hope not just to myself, but to others who may come across it.
What did you learn about this medium by actually working in it (as opposed to just reading about it or analyzing it)?
From this medium, I was able to engage in the concept of a perzine. Normally, this sort of topic would be one that only belonged to my diary. But I really wanted to attempt embodying that perzine aspect. Also, based on where I am with my life, I also really wanted to get personal and embody the ways I have been feeling. One of the things I loved about zines is that many POC creators used it to express their feelings, emotions, and thoughts. And as mentioned in the previous creative output, I love the idea of turning your pain into art which is why I feel like I resonated with perzines a lot. It also made me think more deeply about myself and what zines can offer. I even realized how fun scrapbooking is! Once again, having the opportunity to create the medium has given me such a better understanding and rewarding experience. As someone who loves to create and hopes to become a creator, it feels good to know that a there are other ways to create and express my ideas through diverse mediums like a zine.
Fantastic work, Shar -- this is a lovely zine and an even lovelier reflection on how the medium provided a space to work through challenging ideas and experiences that often don't feel like they belong in the public!